Usually I try to keep my blog posts focused on a theme and regardless of the theme, I try and tie everything to Flamenco.  However, I've been gone from the blog for about three months and I thought I owed everyone an update.

I have definitely not gone into hiding.  I have been busy with Flamenco, but I have also been busy with everything that isn't Flamenco.

​Wait, what ISN'T Flamenco?!
​
Well, to start, I co-organized my first Lupus Walk fundraiser along with my sister-in-law and fellow "Lupie", Yasmin.  We signed up for the walk only two weeks before it happened, so we decided on a modest fundraising goal of $500 and ended up raising raising more than $1,800 for the Alliance for Lupus Research!  I want to use this opportunity to say thank you once again to all of you who donated.  It means a lot to us.  There is still a lot the medical world does not know about Lupus, which is an auto-immune disease that can attack any organ in the body. No two cases are alike, which makes it difficult to treat.  

If you want to know more about our campaign, check out our team page, The Lupie Broads.  Our donation pages will stay up until December 31, 2016, so if you'd like to make a donation you can click on either of these two links: Mercedes or Yasmin.

Right after the Walk, I started a new part-time job that comes with dental and vision benefits.  I am very grateful for this because Lupus has affected my gums and one of my medications can affect my eyesight.  I still pay for my own medical care because the medical plan offered to me as part-timer nowhere meets the needs of a person with chronic illness. What I have gotten is still major progress for me and I am happy.

Finally, the Spring ended with a trip to New York for my graduation from One Spirit Interfaith Seminary, where I was ordained as an Interfaith Minister.  Yes, there is something major in my life besides Flamenco! Besides Flamenca, I've now been given the title of Reverend.  What does that mean?  For one, I get to perform ceremonies like weddings and baby blessings.  In fact, I've already performed two child blessings and I will be performing my first wedding in the Fall for an old friend of mine.  Beyond that, I look forward to seeing what I do.*

So that's everything else!  Now even I understand why I've been away from my blog for so long!  I'm tired!

All kidding aside, it has been a beautiful and eventful Spring and I am so grateful for your support and love.  It means the world to me and brings me lots of joy.  I hope I bring the same joy to you.

* The focus of this blog will continue to be about Flamenco and the creative process.  If you would like to know more about my work as an Interfaith Minister, feel free to email me at: revmercedesibarra@gmail.com.  Also, stay tuned.  I will be launching a website at www.revmercy.com.

I've been putting off writing this entry.  I've been putting it off so much, I did not even send out my newsletter last month.  I needed some time to process what I was feeling and how I was going to talk about it.  As I write this sentence, I still don't really know what I am going to say.

Last month I was finally diagnosed with Lupus.  I say "finally" because I've been dealing with mysterious symptoms for years now.  I've been going to doctors, having them run tests to explain things like hair loss, dizzy spells, heart palpitations, digestive distress, numbness and burning in my legs and feet, and massive fatigue, among other things.

About a year ago, my symptoms got worse.  After a very busy April full of several gigs, I ended up in bed for an entire weekend, frightened.  I had sharp stabbing pains in my stomach, heart palpitations, leg weakness, nausea, dizziness, and a fever.  I went to the doctor later that week, feeling horrible, and had all sorts of tests run.  Everything came back normal.  I was told it was "just stress".

By Thanksgiving, I couldn't empty my bladder.  After some testing, it was decided I would need physical therapy to regain proper function of my bladder.  It seemed unrelated to all the other symptoms, that my dancing was responsible, but now my team of medical practitioners seem to agree that the Lupus may have something to do with why my therapy is taking longer than predicted. Forgive me if it seems crude, but to put it quite simply, I haven't fully emptied my bladder since last Fall.

Anyway, after another busy April this year, I ended up with massive fatigue again.  After another round of "normal" test results, I begged my doctor.  I said, "Look at my face".  By now, I had developed a strange rash across my cheekbones, nose, and forehead, and cystic acne all over the rest of my face. He decided to run some other tests.  A week later he called me into his office.  "I think you have Lupus".  Two weeks after that, a Rheumatologist confirmed the diagnosis.  Besides positive lab results, I now learned there was evidence of arthritis in my joints and that mysterious rash on my face turned out to be the classic Lupus symptom.

I left that Rheumatology appointment and went straight to a gig.  I danced that gig with a new awareness of my body and my life thus far.  When you first start learning Flamenco, you are inundated with all of these new rhythms, each with different names, percussive accents, and melodic tones, even if the counts are similar.  The nuances are subtle enough that it can take a few years before a student can correctly identify what palo, or rhythm, they are listening to.  Then one day it clicks.  You hear the opening chords on the guitar, the first couple of accents, and right away you know that it's a Tientos, or it's a Tarantos.  It's a Solea or it's a Solea por Buleria.

This is how I feel about my Lupus.  I've been dancing with Lupus for years now, but not knowing it. You can only improvise, adjust, or choreograph so much if you don't know the nuances of what you're working with.  Now I know that I've been dancing with Lupus.  Now I know what to adjust for.  Now I know how to improvise around it.  Now I know how to choreograph with it.  Now I know.

There is such relief in knowing.  There is also wisdom to be gained from this point forward.  Just like in Flamenco, where there's a whole new level of learning once you've learned the basics, I am now looking forward to getting to know and understand this new rhythm of Lupus.  I'll keep you posted on what I learn.

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"Whenever we are reaching for something, whenever we’re grasping something, whenever wanting is strong, our fear—which is one of our greatest, our strongest wants, is fear—when that happens, our belly tightens. Our abdomen tightens.

But look what happens now—and I’m talking to the people listening)—if you just soften your belly! (Sighs) So much holding. I mean, we hold all day long. No wonder we’re so exhausted at the end of the day! Just let your belly go now. You may not even know what that means. It just shows how habituated we have become to our suffering. Just let go. Let go! It’s so painful!" --Stephen Levine*

So when you read the above quote, did you notice that your belly was tight?  Did you notice that there actually was room to relax it, to soften it?  If so, you're not alone.  This is my constant practice throughout the day--"Oh crap, I'm totally clenched", or "Oh, there it is again; I'm gripping".  You would think I'd have better abs by now.

I am currently in the process of several healing modalities:  physical therapy, acupuncture, and somatic experiencing.  I am undergoing the physical therapy and acupuncture primarily due to chronic back pain and pelvic floor dysfunction.  At a first glance, these problems are due to my years of dancing or to state it more accurately, to my negligence in properly cross-training to support my spine.

However, something that has been really eye-opening has been the level of insight I have gained from my meditation practice combined with the somatic experiencing (SE).  To give you a very, very brief explanation, the SE has shown me to identify how I hold the stress of past memories and events in my body as tension and stiffness.  I have also noticed how I will hold that same kind of tension at any given point in the day, as if I am wearing armor against whatever stress I feel is attacking me.

And thus we come back to the belly.  I have begun to notice that I'm constantly gripping my abdominal muscles.  I'm constantly bracing for or against something.  I'm constantly ready to pounce at a moment's notice.  This is not a good way to live.  Not only is the tension an embodiment of the gripping I am doing throughout the day, I am now a walking example of the pain and dysfunction this can cause.  

Now here I should add a quick note for my dancer friends.  Obviously, we are trained to hold our abs in to support our posture.  This is still important.  What I have learned however is that once you're done dancing or working out, you need to release.  This is something that I was unconsciously not doing.  I never fully released and now I'm suffering the consequences (I'll be writing a future post detailing some specifics).

So now I scan my body.  Is my belly tight?  Are my shoulders by my ears?  Is my jaw clenched?  If the answer is yes, I immediately take a deep breath, then I exhale and release.  That simple gesture has been amazing.  It has certainly helped with my healing.  If I wasn't breathing and releasing, I don't think I would be making any advancement in my physical therapy.  In fact, a lot of what my physical therapist makes me do is breath work.

One great technique is Soft Belly Meditation.  Here is a You Tube link to a guided Soft Belly Meditation based on the instructions found in Stephen Levine's book, A Year to Live.  I hope you find this technique useful in alleviating your stress and/or pain.

I should let you know that I have heard the gamut of results from this exercise, from people who say the release made them cry to others who started laughing.  It is all ok.  It's about releasing that tension.

Let me know what you thought.  Do you notice yourself clenching unnecessarily?  What do you do to relax?

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* This quote is from an excellent interview of Stephen Levine by Tami Simon of Sounds True:  http://www.soundstrue.com/store/weeklywisdom/?page=single&category=IATE&episode=2376