Two years ago, I wrote A Love Letter to Flamenco and one year ago, I wrote Surrender.  It was interesting to reread them both and to think about all that has happened since.  In "Love Letter", I was recommitting myself to Flamenco after having a period of feeling a bit uninspired.  What is interesting about life is that once I wrote that letter, so many things started happening to make my renewed commitment more challenging:  I found myself needing to let go of a couple of regular gigs and I started having some physical pain that was limiting how much I could do, both in daily life and onstage.  I wrote about those challenges in Surrender, where I decided I would welcome the changes to see what I could learn from them.

Well, as you know if you've been keeping up with me, I have since learned that I have Lupus.  The mysterious pains were because of the Lupus.  So I found myself welcoming Lupus in 2015 and like I said when I first announced I had Lupus, I welcomed the diagnosis because I finally knew what I was dealing with. Maybe committing to a year of "welcoming" in 2015 readied me for the news I had long suspected was coming.

I still feel I am in the same transition process that I wrote about a year ago.  I am not really sure what is coming up next for me.  I feel like I am barely catching up with myself now.  I'm just getting used to regular doctor's visits and understanding how the Lupus behaves in my body.  I'm just now understanding what my body is trying to tell me at any given time.

So this year, I want to write a love letter to my body.  I want to thank this body of mine for carrying me through this life so far.  I want to thank it for the simple things like allowing me to walk, to run, to see, taste, smell, touch, and hear.  I want to share my gratitude for this body that has allowed me to combine those skills and senses in a way where I could make music and art with it.

I want to thank my body for carrying me en compás* all of these years, enduring muscle aches, cuts, sprains, and all kinds of pain so that I could transmit my feelings, my life, through Flamenco.  Every twirl of the fingers, every snap of the head, every arch of my back, every remate, every stretch of my arms to the sky has been because of this body meeting the demands I have made of it. My poor body even put up with me when my demands were totally unreasonable, like the years I spent in disordered eating.  It has more than bounced back since I worked on healing that issue.

So now it is time for me to really repay my body.  Right now it feels like it's screaming at me, trying to get me to pay attention.  So I promise I'm going to try and listen.  I know that as a dancer, and therefore an athlete, I often push past the fatigue and the pain in order to deliver the best performance I can give.  The thing is, I don't want to give up dancing, and honestly, I don't think my body wants me to either.  In fact, I feel like I've had some of my best performances lately.  It's as if everything I've been going through has fueled a new level of emotion that needs to get out.  My body and I both need the catharsis.

So as long as this body lets me, I'll keep dancing.  What I do promise to do is to find balance around it. If I have a show one night, nothing else happens that day or the next.  I will eat nutrient-dense food, drink lots of water, get a lot of sleep, take epsom salt baths, get a lot of sleep, meditate, do yoga and my physical therapy exercises, get a lot of sleep, protect myself from the sun, wear my compression socks, keep my hands and feet warm, take my medication and supplements, and get a lot of sleep.

Most importantly though, I will learn to trust.  This body of mine knows what it needs and what I need. I will not be "cured" because there is no cure for Lupus, but there is a lot of healing to be done and I trust that my body knows exactly what that is.  All I have to do is trust and listen, the same way I have always trusted that my body would absorb the Flamenco I so desperately wanted to learn.  Now I want to learn about healing and I trust that my loving body will teach it to me.  

​* Definitions:

en compás--in time, in rhythm.

remate--a phrase of steps that brings a section to a close, usually in a climactic way.


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"You have had a rough year," is something more than one person has said to me recently.  I guess when you think about it, it's true. In less than a year I have built the following team of health professionals thanks to Lupus:  my primary care doctor, a rheumatologist, a physical therapist, an acupuncturist, a periodontist (plus periodontal care from my dentist), and a cardiologist.  I still need to add a dermatologist, an opthamologist, and an otolaryngologist (ear, nose, and throat doctor).  The latter two are due to side effects from my meds. Once I add two of the last three, I have enough doctors to form my own baseball team.

I am on three daily medications and I take prescription pain medication as needed.  I am on a bunch of supplements.  I have had at least two medical appointments weekly for the last eight months.  I put myself on a fairly strict anti-inflammatory diet called the Auto-Immune Protocol, and I have been retraining myself on how to schedule my time based on The Spoon Theory. Oh, and let me not forget that I now live like a vampire because I must avoid the sun at all costs, since UV rays are a Lupus trigger (as you can guess, one of my supplements is Vitamin D).

Basically, my life has changed drastically in a short amount of time, and yes, it has been rough.  However, I feel it has also been a good year.

I welcome the changes.  After years of mysterious symptoms with no explanation, with doctors looking at me as if I was as crazy as the symptoms I described, I feel such a sense of relief.  Now when I go to a doctor, I say, "I have Lupus", and that's enough to get them to listen.  When she first evaluated me, the cardiologist said, "It's too bad you have this, but I imagine it feels good to finally be getting some answers".  Yes, yes, that's exactly it and it's wonderful to hear a medical professional acknowledge it.

I have received so much loving-kindness from my family and friends.  Ever since I wrote my original post about my diagnosis, I have received emails, phone calls, and regular "check-ins" done with such care.  I am so grateful to know such love and support.

I also welcome new contacts I have made.  I have gotten to know other "Lupies" through mutual friends, patient conferences, and a Lupus support group sponsored by Lupus LA.  There are social networking sites for Lupus patients such as My Lupus Team and Patients Like Me.  I have found a lot of resources in the general auto-immune community because of the lifestyle changes I've made.

I have been able to rekindle an old friendship because we both found out we were sick at the same time, she with Fibromyalgia (a related disease).  After years of not seeing each other, we spent a whole afternoon drinking tea, catching up, and comparing notes.  It was awesome and now we talk regularly.

I have also been able to deepen my relationship with my sister-in-law.  She was also diagnosed with Lupus shortly before I was, so we have been each other's main support group.  Although neither of us is thrilled about being sick, it has been wonderful to have someone to turn to for support for even the smallest of things like, "My feet are so cold, I'm wearing three pairs of socks" (see Raynaud's for an explanation of that one).

Most importantly, Lupus is teaching me to be mindful and to listen to my body.  I have had to slow down enough to pay attention.  If I mistakenly eat the wrong thing, the pain in my joints tells me so.  If I don't get enough sleep or over-schedule my day, dizziness and fatigue will drag me down.  

I'm not always fine when I do what I am supposed to do, but I do tend to feel better, and this is all I need.  Feeling somewhat better has kept me dancing.  Not only that, I have been dancing with a lot of feeling according to my colleagues.  After I had performed an Alegrías recently, one of my fellow dancers told me , "There was so much joy in your dancing, it was as if there was nothing else you'd rather be doing".  I told her that she was right.  That's what if feels like when I dance--there's nowhere else I'd rather be and there's nothing else I'd rather do.  It's apparently good for me too; the cardiologist said I would be worse off now if it weren't for the dancing.  So there you go.  I'll keep dancing so long as this body wants me to do so.

So as I go into 2016, I look forward to the continued changes.  I accept that I am entering a long and slow transition into something new.  I hope that this something new brings me to more growth, love, gratitude, and acceptance, and that I may use whatever I learn to help others as well--even if it's something as simple as telling you to eat whole foods, get some sleep, and do some dancing.


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"...there is an erroneous message, I think, out there that art and the process of creating is very, very healing and therapeutic. And I don’t think it is. I think it’s cathartic. It moves energy. But there are certain songs, one of which is 'You Oughta Know,' where I have sung that song countless times onstage, and if I were to run into that person right now, I would feel horrified." --Alanis Morissette, interviewed by Tami Simon on Sounds True, 2014*

This quote really caught my attention when I first heard it.  It was an interesting thought.  The idea that art is healing and therapeutic, in and of itself, is something that I have taken as truth for a long time. Not only that, I hear my colleagues say it over and over again.  So when I hear a respected artist say the complete opposite, I have to sit up and take notice.

So I listened to the interview repeatedly to see if I could get the gist of what she was saying.  Then, while in my exploration, I came across an interview of Alanis by Oprah Winfrey on Super Soul Sunday where Alanis made this claim again:

"I actually think that art itself is cathartic, but it's not healing.  I thought that I could get away with writing these songs and it would absolve me and redeem and clean up, but after having sung, 'You Oughta Know' night, after night, after night, if I ran into that person I would have likely been catapulted right back to feeling uncomfortably terrified and awkward.  So it showed me that the process is cathartic, of creating and moving energy, and it can kick start, it can be a catalyst to investigate, but unless there's an actual relationship going on...there [is] not a lot of healing afforded".

Aha!  This was interesting and juicy.  I began to think about my own process.  In a recent school assembly, a child asked what inspired me during my dances.  I explained that there were various factors:  the lyrics of the song, the people I'm working with, but also my mood.  I told her that when I was in a happy mood, it was fun to dance the happy dances, but that when I'm sad or angry, it's just as fun to dance the sad or angry dances.  Why?  Because it's cathartic.  After having a particularly difficult week, maybe because I wasn't feeling well or because I had had an argument with someone, I would get an amazing release from dancing out my anger onstage.  It usually makes for a better performance too, when you channel that real energy and let it move you.  I always feel uplifted afterwards.

This is where we get the idea that art is healing--this feeling of catharsis when we've moved that energy through us, especially if it has moved something in our audience as well.  They get that catharsis too and in that moment, we are in relationship.  So yes, that feels healing.

However, I can admit that I have spent years dancing out the anger over people or situations that I have not forgiven.  Although I do feel like I've moved that anger through me and I have felt relief from doing so, I know full well that I have not healed that anger.  It rears its ugly head over and over again, and although it often feels good to use it for my dancing, it eventually gets old, and it most certainly doesn't feel good when it shows up in the middle of my every day life.  The only times I feel that I have actually healed my anger are when I have done the real work of forgiveness--when I have sat for hours and hours in meditation, with the intent to release that anger and forgive, and even more importantly, when I have actually done the work of having the conversation, meeting that person heart to heart, acknowledging my responsibility, and forgiving and letting go.

So yes, I guess Alanis has a point.  In the interview with Simon, she goes on to define healing as "the return to the original wholeness and original truth of what we are—that innate goodness".  In this definition, healing implies that we no longer see ourselves as right and others wrong.  We just see ourselves as one in the same, part of a greater whole, equally capable of being both right and wrong.  When I think about a lot of the professional relationships over the years, both mine and others I have witnessed, then I have to agree with Alanis. Our art has served as catharsis and part of a healing process, but not the healing itself.

So what do we do?  We continue to move our energy through our art and use it as part of our therapy, but we need to do the other work.  We need to do the work that allows us to see ourselves in the other and the other in us.  The artists that I know who seem the happiest overall are those who have done this in some way, whether it be through meditation, therapy, prayer, service to others, or a combination of all these.  Remember, art should bring people together.  That union is where the real healing begins.

*The link to the Tami Simon interview can be found here: http://www.soundstrue.com/store/weeklywisdom/?page=single&category=IATE&episode=9909

You can watch the Oprah Winfrey interview here: 

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I think what Alanis said makes for an interesting dialogue among artists.  What do you think about Alanis's point about catharsis vs. healing?  Do you agree or disagree?  I would love to hear your thoughts in the Comments section below.

When I was still an intermediate level Flamenco student, I was given some of the best advice I have ever received, that stays with me to this day.

It happened when I was trying to drill a llamada, or opening "call" step that you use to call the musicians and singer in for the next section of the piece. Because they serve this function, llamadas are usually exciting and punctuated with percussive heelwork that comes to a well-accented close.  Then there is a breath...
and the next section begins.

So you can imagine, the llamada must be executed clearly, without hesitation.  However, when you're a student still in your early days, these steps often seem intimidating.  Thus, a fear can set in and this is where you can get stuck.

So one evening, during a rehearsal at the dance studio, I was stuck in one of these moments.  I couldn't get a llamada por Alegrías (the rhythm of "Joy" of all things) to come out, even though I had done it a bunch of times in class.  The stress of having to do it by myself while others were watching was just too much for me.  It just fell apart after the first few counts.  I was about ready to cry from anger.  It was the complete opposite of what I was supposed to be channeling.

Then the words that have stuck with me for years came out of my fellow student, a tiny, but fierce dancer.  She smacked one fist into her other palm and said, "In Spain when that would happen to me, my teacher told me the problem was that I was afraid of the step and that as long as I was afraid of the step, it would never come out.  You actually already have it in you; you just need to let go and let it come out.  So just go for it.  Just do the step.  Don't fear the step.  Don't fear the step!"

Don't fear the step.  Just go for it.  It's already in you, you just have to get out of your own way.

How perfect is that, not just for dance, but for life?  That's why I still remember it.  I have continued to use that advice throughout my Flamenco career and studies, but I also think of my fearless friend when I have a challenge in other parts of my life, such as this new Lupus diagnosis.  The fear is what keeps me stuck, but when I am willing to let go of the fear, I get out of my own way and find that the step I am so afraid of is what will lead me to the next breath, the next verse, the next calling.

Now remember, there will always be steps in dance or in life that are more complicated than you are technically prepared for, and you will have to do the work to acquire those skills.  But when you know you have diligently done the work, and something still isn't quite right, it might be time to ask yourself, "Am I afraid of the step?  Do I need to just let go and see what happens?"  I bet you'll often find that's all you needed to do to get through that step and into the next breath.

And yes, by the way, that is what happened for me that night.  I let go and it turned out I did have the step.  And yes, I breathed a big sigh of relief and got a good joyful laugh too.


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Is there a step you know you need to take, but you're letting fear hold you back? How do you think you can "let go" and just take the step?  I'd love to hear from you in the comments section below!  Let me be your cheerleader!

Back in August, I wrote an entry called, Our Life's Dance, where I talked about following our life's calling or passion.  I was inspired by this quote by Gabrielle Bernstein: "Don't dance around the perimeter of you want to be; dive in fully."  As promised in that original entry, I want to talk about how this quote is not only a dance metaphor for life, but it can be applied to dance as well. 

Over the years I have learned that it is not enough to memorize steps, have perfect formations, and make sure all your angles are correct.  Although it is of utmost importance to spend years honing your skills and making sure your technique is clean and strong, all the impeccable technique is still not enough if you do not deliver yourself in your performance.  To me, delivering yourself means that you should reach down deep inside, pull out your most raw sorrow, anger, joy, love, gratitude, fear, elation, EMOTION, and channel it.  You must embody that emotion and let the emotion guide you in your dance.  You must engage with it, letting the feeling become a partner.

In Flamenco dance, this is especially important.  Most of the time we are soloists, doing 10 to 15-minute long numbers that tell a story, complete with a trajectory, a climax, and a resolution.  Imagine how lackluster a solo of this length would be, if the dancer danced the entire number only in their head, completely focused only on technical execution and not on any sense of connection.  There should be a decision to connect--with the audience, with the musicians, with our fellow dancers, and with our deepest self.  Once you're onstage, you have to give yourself over to that connection and answer a question:  who are you?  This is point of it all.  This is what the audience wants to know. 

When you let yourself go and "dive fully" into the dance, this question starts to get answered, both for the audience and for yourself.  There is a complete catharsis that comes when you've abandoned your ego, the mind full of planning and "shoulds and you let your true self speak through the dance.  You know when the catharsis has happened.  You know when you're both exhilarated and exhausted at the same time.  There is a deep joy, a sense of knowing.  You often get that catharsis mirrored to you by audience members, through tears, through them relaying to you what they thought your story was.  It may not be what you thought to express before you got started, but once you hear it, you think, "yes".  There is a universal truth that was delivered.

This complete surrender when you dance, is what makes people fall in love with the art form.  I believe this is true for any art form as well as in life.  People are drawn to the universal truths they see reflected in each other.  After the years of necessary study and rehearsal, when it's time to perform, please do the world and your art a favor and just let us see the real you.  You should be center-stage, not on the perimeter, dancing around the ego's idea of what it "should" look like.

Below is one of my favorite videos of  Juana Amaya, "diving in fully".  Enjoy and feel free to let me know what you think.

The title of this entry loosely translates to "There comes a WOMAN!".  This is a jaleo, or motivating "shout-out" (like the now played out, "you go, girl") heard at the beginning of the first You Tube video below, featuring Pastora Galván.  I love it for many reasons.  One because it is declared by a man, two because of what I believe he means when he says it, and three because that meaning is so at the root of what I love about Flamenco.  When the video opens, you only see men onstage: the guitarists, the percussionist, the singers, all dressed in black.  Before you even catch a glimpse of her, you know the audience at Casa Patas, where the performance is happening, has already made note of Pastora's arrival.  There is some clapping and then..."¡Ahi viene una MUJÉR!".  Immediately following this declaration, the lower-left frame of the picture is engulfed by a flutter of pink ruffles, which you would think is very "girly", but then you see Pastora's full figure come in--curvy and in command, with a look of fierceness and control on her face.  She marches in slowly, and a compás, in rhythm, obviously knowing that she is taking full command of the stage.  There's no need to flit about; she holds her space and absorbs the cante, or singing. Her presence fuels the singers in return and you see them, El Bocaillo in particular (singer on the left next to the percussionist), reach deep into his gut for his letra, or verse.  This is not about being pretty.  Although Pastora is obviously gorgeous, she reflects his gut emotion and his guttural singing in her face and in her movement.  Even when they reach the end of the number, when everyone seems exalted of tension and there's a smile on her face, she still is dancing with all that womanly fierceness and all those curves.  That is what I most love about Flamenco.  It does not apologize and it does not constrain.  Even within all the rules of timing and structure, there is room for all of your emotion to come through and all of YOU to come through.  In fact, it is what is expected.  Pastora is only in her 20s too.  I am looking forward to seeing how her baile, or dance, ferments with life experience.  One of my teachers said, "Flamenco is like a fine wine; it gets better with age" and this is so true.

I recently found an example of an older and also iconic dancer, Eva La Yerbabuena, at the Bienal in Sevilla in 2006.  She is surrounded by a crowd of male musicians, also in an old-school ruffly dress and hair combs, this one bronze and coral.  She is curvy and very tiny.  The men look like they tower over her and yet, she is completely dominating that stage.  This performance is the Fin de Fiesta, or "end of the party", which is what it sounds like--the last number in a show.  This number is usually a bulerías, like it is here.  Bulerías comes from the word burlar, which means to tease or kid around.  Even though it's obvious in her dancing that she is having fun and sort of "joking around" in her moves, she's still demonstrating such a commanding presence.  She's floating on Miguel Poveda's cante, coming in with amazing contestaciones, or percussive responses, and thoroughly enjoying the sense that she's obviously in charge of the scene.  And they're all enjoying it too.  One of my favorite parts is where, to the novice eye, it may seem like she's doing nothing.  It's in the middle, when she's just standing facing the audience, with her hands on her hips, waiting.  She's just waiting and enjoying the wait.  That is something so hard to learn how to do in Flamenco, believe it or not.  It takes great command to know how to be comfortable just waiting onstage.  And to wait with her hands on her hips!  I love it.  It's such a classic womanly pose.  ¡Ole!

Flamenco is beautiful and powerful for men and women alike, but there is definitely something to be said about seeing a woman in such a classic, feminine costume, holding her space, making her presence known and felt.  ¡Ole a las guapas!

I last wrote an entry in May.  You may wonder, why the gap?  Although, I'm sure the title gives it away.  My maternal grandmother, Mercedes Teodora Aymerích, passed away on May 31 at the age of 89.  My daily existence has not been the same since.  Shortly after, her remains were flown out from Florida and my parents soon followed, as she had made her arrangements here in Los Angeles.  During that week, I kind of took the reins of the arrangements as I am the older sibling and my parents are not native English speakers and feel more confident letting me handle things.  It's interesting because I had been giving a lot of thought to death and grief prior to that.  I've given a lot of thought to both topics most of my life.  I had an infant brother who passed away when I was five years old.  That death has colored much of how I see the world.  Recently, I felt a calling, like maybe I could use Flamenco to help people process their emotions, particularly grief.  I find Flamenco to be so transformational and empowering because the lyrics and the feeling force you to face some of the strongest and hardest emotions we experience in life.  There are many lyrics about death and grief and for some reason, I had recently been contemplating them quite thoroughly.

Then my grandmother passed away and the theory got put into practice.  I suddenly found myself, not only handling funeral arrangements and giving a eulogy, but I also had to gig and sub my friend's classes for six weeks.  I was dancing in some capacity six to seven nights a week, performing and teaching in a world where now my only grandparent was finally gone.  I felt like I had to postpone my grieving because so many responsibilities made "life go on" even though some of it felt like someone else's life since I was teaching someone else's classes.  Not only that, a week after my grandmother was interred in the mausoleum, we buried my sister-in-law's grandfather.  Two weeks after that, we buried my husband's cousins' grandmother.  Suddenly it was as if the universe wanted to get me very acquainted with death and grief, not just my own, but the grief of others.  I listened and watched as tears, anger, secrets, and shock permeated everyone and everything around me.  There were moments of laughter too.  We should be mad about the tall, thin, pale and ghoulish-looking mortician who cracked an "I'm burning" joke to the priest who accidentally sprinkled some holy water on him, but it was so absurd, it was kind of a relief.  Worse was the funeral saleswoman, who had sold my grandmother the arrangements, passing out her marketing materials and bragging "I did this" as soon as the funeral was over.  And yet, in all that grief, the nonsense of such a vulgar act didn't really affect us.  It was just cause for cynical laughter.

The sweetness came in seeing family operating in a new manner.  Being more honest and remembering to say "I love you" or "How are you?" more often.  Sweetness came in not "sweating the small stuff".  The sweetness came in teaching class.  A slow arm warm-up, executed Tai Chi style, brings everyone to the present.  A "puzzle" of a heel-work step becomes a practice in snapping you back out of your mind and into life.  The joy of seeing students grasp something they didn't know just six weeks before, reminds you that life is lived for each other.  After living through so many deaths, our families celebrated my sister-in-law's birthday and a baby shower for my other sister-in-law.  Life goes on and in cycles of birth and death and in that joy and grief we meet, we find each other.  That is the sweetness.  Flamenco reminds me of it every day. 

Letra de Soleá:
"Soy piedra y perdí mi centro
y me arrojaron al mar
y al cabo de tanto tiempo
ahy mi centro vine a encontrar."

Translation of Soleá verse:

"I am stone and I lost my center,
and I got tossed out to sea,
and after a good length of time,
there (the sea) is where I found my center".